Regret
by Potato Tots
Summary: Shinji finally realizes what he regrets, and what he cherishes.  Will be dark at first, but will get lighter with time.  Chapter 2 is being revised and Chapter 3 is in the works. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Evangelion Fanfic

Shinji x Asuka

Attention

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of the other stuff in this fanfic, I only own the fanfic itself.

Chapter 1

It's been two years.

Two years since it happened. Even though two years may only be two tiny words, and eight simple letters, they seem to hold more power over me then anything else in my life now. Well, just about anything else.

Life has pretty much returned to normal now. The city has rebuilt. A newer, Neo Tokyo Three stands in the place of the hill me, Misato, and Asuka once used to watch the sun set, seemingly so peaceful, over the city. The residents of the city itself though, were none the wiser. Those were the good ol' days. The time when I didn't have to face the facts, when I could just curl up in my bed and listen to my SDAT while numbing out the rest of the world that had hurt me so bad. That wasn't the reason I was so miserable during that time though. It was because of my father, or my lack of a good one.

But not now, not after the Third Impact.

Today was mostly the same as it had always been. It was Sunday, thank god, and surprisingly enough I could smell the faint, funny smell of coffee drifting in from the kitchen. I weighed my options. It was either lay in bed, be woken by a fuming Asuka. Blaming me for the mess Mistato made trying to make some sort of coffee, beer hybrid. Or I could get up, and try to stop the disaster before it happened. I chose the latter and was surprised by what I found.

"Hey Shin-man, want some coffee?" a mug-wielding Kaji said, yawning deeply as I entered. He was still his normal self, the seemingly carefree man. Even though he was killed off before the third impact, he somehow was brought back along with everyone else, much to the happiness of a certain blue haired guardian I know. He remained physically as I had seen him before. A man with a dopey grin, an unshaven beard, that loved to annoy the hell out of Misato. Yeah, he was the same.

Although I couldn't see him that way.

What I had seen of him and Misato during the time that I had been able to look into the memories of every person on earth was awful. I can never look at anyone the same way ever again. As soon as I do, the memories come flooding back.

Especially with Asuka.

"Nah Kaji, I'm fine, I'll get started on breakfast" I said, still groggy from the nightmare filled sleep I had endured for the past six hours. "Does Misato know your here?"

He spoke again, in a somewhat joking tone "Nope, but I'm here to pick her up, you know, NERV business as usual. Can you go get her? I don't know what she'd do if I woke her up. Fourth Impact maybe?"

I actually laughed at that one. Although Kaji and Misato's relationship had been poor before his death, they now were actually showing some of those signs of a couple that Asuka's always babbling about when she watches those drama's on TV. Man I don't get relationships. Or women for that matter.

Especially her.

I walked down the hall, past Asuka's room. The door was closed and there was no sound coming from it as per usual. I had always wondered what was going on in her room when she wouldn't come out. Most likely she was crying into her pillow. She seemed to do that a lot now.

I slowly made my way to Misato's room, careful not to make a sound. "Misato, Kaji's here to pick you up, hurry up"

All I heard was a groan and something that resembled a penguin screaming.

It looks like its going to be a normal day. Well, as normal as a day in Tokyo 3 can be anyway.

Not soon afterwards, Misato appeared from her room fully dressed in her NERV uniform, complete with leather jacket. She quickly made her way to the kitchen, smelling the coffee Kaji had made.

"Kajjjjiiiii" she purred, quickly coming up behind him, pulling him into a hug from behind.

"Hey 'Sato, you ready to head out?"

"Yeah Kaji, let's go. You hear that Asuka?" Misato yelled down the hallway where the red-head's room was.

A muffled "yes" was all that was heard. And with that, Misato and Kaji left, arm in arm. But not after Misato had a few morning beers...

Before she left Misato had asked me not to wake up Asuka up. I'm not really sure why, but then again, it's Asuka, I'm not going to ask. Over the past week she had grown more and more withdrawn. She had not gone to school, not talked to Hikari, and not really eaten. This was especially strange considering it was Asuka. The same girl that had nearly killed all the EVA production series two years before.

But I let her die.

She too was a victim of my fathers plan to create the Third Impact. I had the chance to save her, but instead I let her die at the hands of the dummy plug EVA's.

I'll never forgive myself for that.

I decided to start on breakfast while Asuka was still asleep. The least I could do was to make her breakfast. I'm not exactly sure why cooking has always seemed to calm me but it has. And it's not like I'm about to let Asuka or Misato cook. I wouldn't trust Asuka with a knife and fire, and Misato could easily turn this apartment into a radioactive field if she had to cook, so I'm not exactly complaining.

I turned on the burner and grabbed some eggs from the refrigerator. Today had actually started pretty good. So far there was no yelling, no people being beaten up, no shots fired, no fatalities...

...No crying...

The eggs crackled as they hit the butter smeared pan. Soon a friendly, warm, pleasant smell filled the kitchen. Eggs were supposedly the perfect food for humans. Protein, fat, carbs, all in acceptable levels with the egg, and they tasted great, that was a plus. I flipped the eggs, and heard a noise coming from the hallway. Asuka must be up. Turning around, I saw her.

She had dark circles forming around her eyes, and a frown on her face. She looked as if she hadn't slept soundly for a few days. I was worried now. Why would she be acting like this? She had always been the fiery red-headed she-devil, or so Kensuke aptly named her. She had never acted like this before.

"Hey Asuka, want some eggs?"

I didn't anticipate the reaction that came next. She gave me a face I'd never think to see on Asuka, ever. The look of sadness, of rejection, and of being lost, hit me hard. For some reason, it reminded me of, myself. Of how my mother had died, of how I had been abandoned by my good for nothing father, who had used me for his own selfish reasons, regardless of how it adversely affected my well being.

"Asuka, are you ok?"

Her face suddenly changed, to the scrunch-ed up emotion of anguish.

"I hate you, Shinji-baka, get away and hurry up with those eggs, I'm hungry." She whispered, somehow being hurt by my kindness. She plopped down on the couch and turned the TV to one of the sit-coms she always watched.

I guess she didn't want to talk.

I flipped the eggs again, and then put then on a plate. I gave mine to Asuka, suddenly not being as hungry as I was before. The yolk dribbled easily down the sides of the whites, just how she liked it.

I glanced up and saw her again. Even in the dismal condition she was in now, she was still beautiful. He bright blue eyes danced playfully, watching the TV frantically for a sign of life as she pounded on the remote, tousling her hair from its place, landing in front of her eyes.

She has the absolute best laugh I have ever heard, well, when she really laughs. It's almost as if I could die, right then and there, and be completely happy with my life thus-far, just because she was happy. There was one problem though.

She'll never be able to laugh again, not after what she's been through.

"Here" I said to her from across the counter "they're done"

Giving up on the TV, she walked up to the counter, grabbed the eggs, muttered some kind of thanks, and ran back to her room, closing the door softly.

I sighed.

It was her memories that scarred me the most. Seeing her mother commit suicide, being asked to go to heaven with her, only to be mistaken for a doll. Thank god she was mistaken for the doll though, although, that's not how Asuka sees it. To her, she would have been perfectly happy to have been killed with her mother, as long as it signified her mother loved her.

Love.

Love, or the lack thereof is one of the things that will forever bind us to our fates of eternal contempt for the world. Asuka's mother was so insane that she had loved a doll more then her own daughter, and my mother had been absorbed into the EVA in front of my own eyes, ripping her away from me forever. I finally realized during the Third Impact how alike we really were.

I turned off the stove and threw the pan in the sink. We had no school today, so I may as well call up Toji and Kensuke to see if they want to hang out somewhere. It was sort of odd that Toji had come back with all of his limbs, although no one is complaining. I'm just glad he's back to normal and what happened with his run in with EVA didn't mess with his mind at all.

Or make him hate me.

I dialed the number on the cell phone Misato had bought for me when I had first come here to Tokyo 3. Somehow it wasn't destroyed in the Third Impact, modern technology is really amazing, I guess.

It rang once before it went to the answering machine. Toji had one of those cell-phones where you can change the recording on the fly from pre-recorded messages on the phone.

"Hey it's Toji I'm cough busy cough with Hikari at the moment so...call back later, peace."

I had almost forgot that Toji and Hikari had become a couple nearly right after they came back. They're good for each other and I'm happy for em', but Kensuke isn't. He's still in the mindset the Toji is a 'traitor' and shouldn't be going out with the class rep, but Kensuke is also still obsessed with the EVA's too, so no one listens to him...

I sighed yet again, for the second time that morning. There was nothing to do, and it looked like I was...

...What was that?

I'm sure I had heard something, it sounded like it came from...

...Asuka's room.

I slowly crept up to the door, inching closer and closer every second.

I could hear her now, she was sobbing silently, occasionally whispering something. My heart was pounding in my ears, blocking out the sounds of the cicadas chirping their hearts away outside.

I peaked around the corner. She was face down the bed, gripping a pillow lightly, sobbing and still saying that one word I couldn't make out. Her head fell away from the pillow, exposing her face, caked in tears.

And then she whispered somthing, it almost sounded like...

"...Mama..."

I froze

I never knew that one little word like that could destroy my world so suddenly. I had tried so hard to repress her memories most of all. Her life was just like mine. Full of hate, depression, abandonment, death...

The memories of Asuka's childhood suddenly rushed into my head, I clenched my teeth, preparing for what was to come.

Abandoned

Shame

Womanhood

Suicide

Menstruation

Doll

Regret

Mother

Alone...

I looked up, straight into the face of a sleeping Asuka. Suddenly, I felt so cold, so alone in the world. I just wanted to go away.

I was able to prop myself up on the wall and slowly make my way into my room. My hand gripped the wall like a lifeline as my fingers tingled at it's touch. My room appeared as it always had. It had no distinguished touches, and resembles something like a vacant hotel room. I had always liked it like this, just because if I chose to leave, I would never leave any traces of me being there at all, so everyone else could just get on with their lives and forget about me.

I slowly opened the door.My feet were dragging on my rug, slowly tripping me up. I could feel my strength draining as I walked over to my dresser and grabbed my S-DAT. Oh my old friend the S-DAT. If music was a drug, I'd be an addict. I didn't necessarily like it that much, it just allowed me to escape the reality of the moment. Moments like...

...Asuka crying...

...Misato crying...

...Rei...

I turned on the S-DAT as I fell into my bedroll. I when I hit the ground I couldn't feel my legs.

It was coming...

...Nightmares...


	2. Chapter 2

Regret

Chapter Two

I don't own NGE or anything associated with it!

It was so dark.

So very dark.

You let her die.

I suddenly lurched up out of my bed, my S-DAT headphones still pumping music into my ears. I could feel the beads of sweat slowly rolling down my back, an eerie reminder of the dream I had just endured.

Dream? More like a nightmare.

I found myself being shaken awake by a bleary eyed Misato. In my stupor, I couldn't hear her. She seem to notice this as well. My hearing rushed into full volume as soon as she smacked my cheek full force.

That seemed to wake me up.

"Shinji, where is Asuka?" she whispered, tears tailing the end of her sentence.

Kaji stood in the doorway, the light of the hallway bathing him from behind. He lit up a cigarette, the smoke rising slowly through the dimly lit room.

Something was wrong.

Kaji doesn't smoke anymore.

"Misato, what's wrong?" I cried out, taking her arms in my hands. She seemed startled by my response, seeing me voice so much emotion at much was unusual I admit, but she began to answer my question.

"Shinji, we... I... We lost her... She ran away..."

After finishing the sentence, she lost it. She started bawling uncontrollably. Her tears ran down her cheeks, mimicking tiny raindrops as they fell onto my shirt.

Kaji finally exhaled, and spoke out.

"Sato', she'll be fine. Section 2 will will find her, bring her back, and you'll all be a family again" With that, he grabbed her arms, and pulled her off of me, into a forced hug. She eventually gripped his shirt and started to cry into his shoulder.

"Misato, there's no need to worry, Section 2 is already looking for her, and her neural clips will be picked up by their tracking gps once they come within two miles of her. We'll get her."

This seemed to only increase Misato's woes. She wept aloud, screaming into Kaji's tear soaked shoulder. He briefly glanced at me, a mere look of acknowledgment, and shuffled out of the room with my grief-stricken guardian in his arms.

My mind raced.

She was gone?

Where?

Should I go look for her?

I fell back into my bed. This had to be a dream, I would close my eye's and I would wake up to Asuka yelling at me for not cooking her lunch, or being late for school, and Misato's hilariously slurred "morning drunk" speak.

This was no dream.

She was missing.

And I couldn't do anything about it, just like right before...

I leaned up on my bedroll, gripping my head in my hands. I felt like crying, but I couldn't. I had cried too much over the past few years. There was nothing I could do to help anyone now. I couldn't force myself to look for her, no matter how hard I tried.

I was useless.

I laid in my bed for what seemed like hours, seeking sleep like a boy who had lost his mother in a large crowd. It never came to me...

Just like my real mom.

No use in negative thoughts though...

I guess...

I slowly stretched, feeling my joints expand woke me from my slumber at last. I spun from my bedroll and stood up, my final morning ritual finished. I went over to my dresser, trying to find something that would be good to lounge in. I found some sweatpants and an old tee shirt of mine. Ritsuko had given these to me for my birthday this year, same as the three previous years before. She may be a brilliant scientist, but when it came to most social events, she was even more clueless then I was. I guess I have opened up a bit since the Third Impact, but not much.

Not much at all.

I walked into the kitchen. A note was left on the table, pen beside it. It was scribbled on the sheet furiously, and very possibly out of confusion. It read...

"Dear Shinji, me and Sato' have taken off to look for Asuka, we'll be back soon. There should be some leftovers in the fridge, and you can use my NERV card if you really get hungry. See you soon, Kaji."

I stared at the letter for a few minutes, digesting the information. I was interrupted rudely by my stomach, who seemed to need some attention. As per Kaji's note, there was eggs in the fridge. I pulled them from the fridge which was full of Misato's finest, put them on a plate, and into the microwave they went. They smelled, well, less then fresh, but I was hungry and had nothing else to do. I slid into a chair at the table, contemplating what I might be able to do for the day.

I could call up Toji or Kensuke, but Toji was most likely with Hikari, doing whatever they do, and Kensuke was at some photography camp. I really had no options for socialization.

Today was going to be boring.

The shrill beep of the microwave startled me, and caused me to shred the paper in two. I got up and walked over to the microwave. Removing the eggs and setting them on the table, I finally had my breakfast. The eggs though smelly, didn't taste half bad. They reminded me of the days before I had to pilot the beast that EVA 01 was. I remember those days with my teacher, eating eggs and soggy biscuits, then going to school and just relaxing. It was a pretty boring and unfulfilled existence, but it was a nice one.

I'd give a lot to go back to that kind of living...

I had yet to decide on something to do today, and the day itself was fading fast. The digital clock in the kitchen read 3:00 pm. Just then I had an idea pop into my head, one that was kind of silly, but sounded nice. A walk. A walk sounded good. I haven't gone on a good, head-clearing walk in what seemed like forever. It was settled then, I'll go for a walk.

I quickly finished the last bite of egg. I walked back to my room, and quickly put on some jeans and a clean tee shirt. I grabbed my sneakers and windbreaker and was out the door, locking it behind me.

It was raining.

I looked out the window down at the end of the hallway. A light, depressing rain slowly pattered on the single pane of glass. I walked over to the elevator, pressing "G", and waited. I heard the elevator activate two floors down, slowly raising until the shrill ping filled my ears. The doors slowly opened, and I entered.

The doors closed slowly behind me. The elevator creaked to life, and began to lower itself to the ground floor. I started to wonder where Asuka was. I mean, honestly, there is so many places.

The arcade we always played her games at, and I always ended up paying.

Hikari's house with Hikari.

The bakery she always drags me to after school.

The zoo we fed those animals at.

I realized something then, that I was much closer to Asuka then I ever thought before. We did so much together all the time, but I always though she dragged me places out of a mix of seeing me in displeasure, and her flexing her feminine prowess over me. Just now, in this small elevator, I realized I might be the one true friend that Asuka has in this world.

And for some reason, I was scared.

Terrified...

I didn't want that responsibility of being her friend yet. I mean, I wanted to, but at the same time, I didn't. I wanted to enjoy the good times with her, but I couldn't face the bad times. I thought I would end up not being good enough, and get left in the dust, betrayed by yet another person. So why even have a relationship with her? I mean, the good times are fun, but I've been hurt so many times by so many people, it can't be worth the risk...

The loud ping of the elevator again startled me. I was at the ground floor.

I took a step out. I could hear the silent overtone of the rain battling the music in the lobby, which was deserted. I looked around, find the receptionist typing away busily at her computer. She glanced at me as I strode across the lobby, quickly losing interest in whoever I was.

I remember her though.

Her name was Saia Hitonaia, she was born exactly 22 years, 316 days, 13 hours, 12 minutes and 56 seconds from now, and had been working here to support her sick grandmother before the Third Impact.

Maybe being burdened with the memories of all of humanity was a gift, I knew everyone, and yet I was alone. Few people knew me, and the ones that did, didn't know me well. It was the bad memories that prevented me from getting close to anyone. They stayed hidden until I had let my guard down around a person, and then when I least expected it, would come out like a demon, and remind me of how evil and unclean humanity really was.

I opened the door to the outside of the building. The rain had not given up, and it looked like a storm was in the forecast for later tonight. I pulled my hood over my head, as the rain increased in it's ferocity. I suddenly thought of turning back. Going for shelter in the warm, safe apartment. But something told me that a walk would be better then sitting in my room for a few hours till Misato and Kaji returned with Asuka. I walked down the stairs in front the building, and I was officially on my walk.

I didn't really know where my destination was. I decided that a good place to stop would be the park, where I could feed some ducks, but first I would have to go to the bakery to get some bread.

I rounded the corner to the next street. As per the norm, no one was out during the storm. Just some poor souls who had no homes to return to, and people like me, who needed to clear their heads. Cars passed slowly ahead of me, casually splashing up water over the curb as they accelerated past me. I turned down another street, and the bakery was in sight.

I walked in, the door jingling as to alert the owner that a customer has arrived. A jolly old Irish women appeared from behind a curtain, flour covering most of her apron and hands. The whole store smelt wonderful, as if someone had just baked a cake, and set it on a windowsill to cool off, and of all sorts of other things, like nuts and fruits.

"Can I help ya young sir?" she causally asked, glancing up at me as she kneaded some dough.

"Um, yes" I replied. "Do you happen to have any day old bread?"

She finally looked up at me, and then to my right.

"And where might yer young lady friend be lad?"

I was surprised by her question, and then I realized, this was the bakery me and Asuka usually visit on the way back from school.

"She's sick ma'am, she's back at her apartment, being taken care of by her mother."

It was sickening how easily that lie came to me.

She returned to kneading the dough, and replied.

"I see, well give my regards to her, and I hope she feels better. Here, give the lass some of the fine bread, not the day old junk"

She handed me a bag of fresh baked bread, four loaves to be exact.

I was sickened by her kindness. What allowed her to trust so easily in people?

"Now off with ya, get that bread back to the missus, and don't worry, it's on the house."

I felt like a piece of shit.

I'm just like my father, aren't I.

I bowed to her, and exited her bakery, heading towards the park. Maybe this walk had turned less then relaxing, but I had gone too far and wasted to much time to not feed the ducks. Besides, it's not like they get much food anyways.

I walked around another corner, and another, bread in hand, and hood over head, until I finally reached the park.

The park, much like the lobby and the streets, was deserted. The ducks, like always, floated in the duck pond, waiting for something to happen. I slowly made my way over to a bench, abreast of the duck pond. At first, the ducks thought of me as a threat, and flew a few yards away. As I opened the bag of bread, their minds soon changed, and they flocked over to my end of the pond.

I tore a small piece of bread from the loaf, and tossed it in the center of the flock of ducks. They all dove for the small scrap like it was a priceless treasure to them. It was kind of sad really.

You know what, I'm not feeling this right now.

What a crappy day. Asuka goes missing, I made Misato cry, I lied to the baker, I'm not enjoying feeding the ducks, and on top of all of that, it's raining.

"I give up."

And with that, I threw a loaf of bread into the lake, and left with my three remaining loaves.

I began to walk back to the exit of the park. I was cold, wet, and a bit angry with myself that I had gone out in the first place. I rounded the corner nearest to the exit, and saw something that caught my eye.

Another person was out here, feeding the ducks.

It intrigued me that there was another person out here, doing the same thing I had been doing not moments ago. I mean, they must be in a similar predicament , seeing as they don't seem to be enjoying themselves either. Maybe, just maybe, I should chat with them, for some advice.

I walked at a steady pace towards the stranger. I reacher next to him, and sat down at the other end of the bench. He was wearing a windbreaker as well, and some baggy pants. His head was tilted down, shielding his face from my view.

"Hi, I know this might sound weird, but my name's Shinji, and I need to talk to someone."

"Hi Shinji" a distinctly familiar, feminine voice replied.

The mysterious stranger revealed himself now, or rather, herself.

"Asuka?!" I answered in disbelief. How had I not know it was her! I mean, her feminine figure is well hidden because of the clothing she has on, but still...

"So, Shinji baka likes to feed the ducks when he's sad too? I though you never needed any help" Asuka spat from her mouth, like it was something dirty.

"Yeah, I guess." I replied softly, just trying to keep the conversation calm.

"What do you mean, "I guess"" She said, her tone getting angrier and angrier by the minute.

I tried my number one fail safe.

"I'm sorry."

And it failed.

"What are you apologizing for! You always apologize for everything! You didn't even do anything wrong! It's me who caused this stupid mess, I can't do anything! You do everything for everyone! I wasn't even particularly useful when the EVA's were around, and now that you messed up that, I don't even have a purpose anymore! You do EVERYTHING! You do the things I'm supposed to do, and I don't even know how to do them! I'm a failure! You cook, you clean, and everyone likes you for it! Me? I'm just that snobby girl who has no purpose!"

She silently began to sob.

She was right. I had ruined everything for her. I felt awful. I wanted to run, but if I did, I don't know what she would do.

Her silent sobs began to turn into audible ones, as she keeled over and started to cry.

Every fiber in my body wanted to run. So I stood up, ready to flee as she said one last thing.

"Fine, leave me here just like everyone else."

I was shocked. I felt sad, and sorry for her at the same time, along with anger at the people who had abandoned her.

And yet still, I every fiber in my being wanted to run.

Every fiber, except one.

"Asuka" I answer shakily, sitting down beside her again.

"I could...you know...we...I could teach you how to cook."

She looked straight up at me, deep into my eye's when I uttered that sentence. The look of disbelief was written all over her face. She turned away, her crying stopping, and we sat there, silently, for what seemed like forever.

"Shinji, thank you." She said, scooting beside me, resting her head on my shoulder.

Her touch was electric. It was as if, something warm and comforting had just pulled up right beside me, and made the rainiest day of my life, turn into the sunniest.

"But you better not tell anyone about this, or I'll kill you, you hentai baka."

I was relieved to hear the sarcasm in her voice.

"Let's go home" I said to her, standing up and offering her my hand.

"Sure baka, I'll race you there, and the loser cooks for the rest of the week!" She yelled, already a few steps ahead of me.

"Wait! Don't I have to teach you how to cook first! That could be dangerous!"

We raced home, I guess it wasn't such a bad day after all...

A/N Hey folks, sorry for the whole "not updating" deal. I finally decided I had to update this, so I made the second chapter today, and posted it today. What your reading is an un-edited version of Ch. 2, I haven't even proof read it yet, but I feel obligated to post it so that someone may enjoy it. I'll update with the completely edited version, and Ch. 3 within the coming weeks, so stay tuned!


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